Convicted By Clear Teaching Of Scripture, Local Man Decides Scripture Is Unclear

HOT SPRINGS, AR—After being convicted by the clear teaching of Scripture with regards to certain aspects of his deeply ingrained theological and political worldview, local man Lenny Barton took to his social media accounts to declare Scripture to be entirely unclear on the issue, sources confirmed Thursday.

“After carefully reviewing the plain, unambiguous biblical texts that disagree with my own conception of who God should be, I have come to the conclusion that Scripture is unclear,” he wrote to his several hundred internet followers.

Barton wrote that since the Bible was written many years ago, in a different time and place than our own, it was impossible to really know what the authors were talking about, despite the reliable English translation he was using of a relatively simple passage that clearly communicated the original author’s blatantly obvious meaning.

“The Bible was written in the context of ancient cultures, in ancient languages, and by ancient authors,” he wrote, though he had looked up several commentaries written by renowned biblical scholars that addressed these interpretive challenges and unanimously agreed on the plain meaning of the text in questions. “Therefore, whenever it comes into conflict with my personal convictions, feelings, or sins, I will bring up this fact and refuse to confront the obvious meaning of the text.”

“We just can’t know with any certainty what the Bible is talking about,” he concluded.

At publishing time, Barton had quoted several sections of Scripture that seemed to agree with his personal politics and conception of God, declaring these particular passages to be “undeniably clear.”