ATLANTA, GA—According to multiple sources, evangelicals across the nation have quietly confirmed that the one thing Christ will not strengthen them to do is understand the context of Philippians 4:13. As of Friday it has officially been abandoned.
“At best, we can say it has something to do with the other things the Apostle Paul says in Philippians 4,” born-again Christian Richard McPhee told reporters. “Exactly what those things are, I don’t really know; I’m not a scholar. I’m just a man with a Bible, trying to do what it tells me. Don’t put this on me.”
“Seems pretty clear cut,” shrugged local Christian Dan Jeffries. “‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’—that’s it.” Pressed to define “all things,” Jeffries laughed nervously. “Come on, it’s obvious. It means, like, what I want to do. The other day it was 225 on the bench, and I nailed it. God is so good!”
“You have to break it down and examine each word,” explained Tina Carrera, who leads a weekly Bible study at her home. “‘All’ means ‘any’ . . . or . . . ‘whatever,’ and ‘things’ refers to ‘stuff,’ or ‘other things’ . . . ‘things that may be on your heart.’ So I think the meaning is pretty clear. I have no further comment.”
Reporters found local man Dan Hansborough reading his Bible in a local coffee shop after the announcement, and he was defiant. “Of course I know the context! Philippians 4:13 is my life verse. It’s my mantra when I’m struggling to stay on task online, or stay awake in a movie, or even when I have to take the trash out and it’s really heavy. Wait, what does ‘context’ mean again?”