Conservative Christian Trying To Remember What He’s Supposed To Be Conserving

DANVILLE, VA—Barry Mays, 59, a self-described conservative Christian, confessed to his Tuesday night men’s fellowship that he can’t remember what it is that he’s supposed to be conserving, sources confirmed.

Long after the rest of the men in the group had gone home to catch the ball game, Mays sat in the darkened room, deep in thought.

“I’m definitely Republican,” Mays mumbled. “I know that’s the main part of being a conservative Christian. But I’m drawing a blank on some of the other things. Second Amendment? I think that’s something we want to conserve. Not too sure about the rest of the amendments, though. Maybe conserve water—but that doesn’t seem quite right. Definitely supposed to conserve marriage. That’s a big one. Family values and freedom. Definitely freedom. And the economy. Wildlife, I think. Maybe energy?”

A “cradle Christian” and third generation member of First Baptist Church, Mays says he’s been struggling with this problem for most of his adult life, but the recent presidential campaign forced him to face what he’d been denying for years.

“Somewhere I remember hearing that being a conservative Christian had something to do with the Bible. I just can’t remember what,” Mays explained. “I definitely believe in the Bible,” he reportedly explained, to no one in particular.