College Sophomore Loses Third Girlfriend To Jesus

ORANGE COUNTY, CA—Shaking his head in disbelief, Jayson Kilner, Beachside Bible College sophomore, confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Kristyn Wright, broke things off with him Sunday night after church so she could date Jesus.

“I thought it was just a normal night”, Kilner said. “Like, we were gonna go out with everybody after service to grab some In-n-Out.” When they walked out to his truck, however, Wright told him they needed to talk.

“I should have known something was up by the look on her face after the second chorus of ‘Divine Romance.’”

Through many tears, Wright—also a sophomore at Beachside—confirmed that Jesus had been telling her through the Holy Spirit in her quiet times to “let go” of Kilner in order to focus on her relationship with Him. What’s more, Jesus apparently told her that Kilner wasn’t spiritually leading her, cultivating, or pursuing her enough to see a future.

“What does ‘pursuing’ even mean?” grumbled Kilner, scrolling through Wright’s photos on Instagram.

“I guess I wouldn’t be that mad, except that this is the third time Jesus has done this to me. I don’t get why He keeps telling my girlfriends to dump me and date Him instead.”

“The Lord, He really has a way with the ladies,” Kilner added.