Church Sound Guy Admits He Has No Idea What Any Of These Little Dials Do

NOVI, MI—In a candid interview, church sound guy William Brooks admitted to local news reporters Sunday that he has absolutely no idea what any of the little knobs, dials, buttons, or switches on the church’s soundboard actually do.

“Not a clue,” the man said, stating that he just pretends to know what he is doing whenever a band member asks to have their volume adjusted in the house or in their monitor.

“Sure, that seems like a good amount of ‘gain,’ whatever that is,” Brooks said while randomly spinning a few of the two-dozen knobs on what he was pretty sure were the vocalist’s channel. “I’ll throw in some ‘pan’ and ‘aux’ to make it really sound good too.”

As the church bassist repeatedly signaled to ask for more of himself in the house, Brooks sprang into action, feigning a look of serious concentration and randomly spinning various knobs on the mixing console while checking the levels on his headphones that weren’t even plugged in. “That oughtta do it, Geezer. I bumped you up about 15%,” he said, completely unaware that he had turned off the bass entirely.

At publishing time, Brooks had confessed he’ll occasionally just line up all the little volume sliders to make interesting patterns on the soundboard.