Church Small Group Looking Forward To Six-Week Study Of Awkward Silences

PADUCAH, KY—City Hill Redeemer Church’s newest weeknight small group held the kickoff session of its new in-depth study of awkward silences over the weekend. The newly formed group, every member of which appears to be shy and hesitant to answer questions or vocalize prayers, is reportedly looking forward to a six-week study of long, painful pauses.

The inaugural class focused on Colossians Chapter 1, which, after reportedly asking if anyone would like to read it and being greeted by a lengthy period of suffocating quiet, was read aloud by group leader and Associate Pastor Stan Parker.

Parker, who is hosting the group in his home, says that it’s always good to get back to Bible study basics.

“I think it’s great how the entire group is participating in making things as uncomfortable as possible,” Parker stated to reporters after the first session. “Trust is so important in a small group, and I know that if I ask anyone any sort of question whatsoever about the text, or application, or life, or anything at all, I will be greeted by a deafening, unbearable, soul-crushing silence that, while in reality only lasts 30 to 45 seconds, goes on for several consecutive eternities within my tortured mind.”

Parker’s small group appears to be off to a great start, according to sources present at the study. Parker’s query, “So, what does ‘redemption’ mean to you?” was met not only by awkward silence, but at least two throat-clearings, two sniffs, and one sudden, brief inhalation. A question about the deity of Christ resulted in multiple Bible pages being rustled in a contrived manner, as well as one uncomfortable murmur before lapsing into abject quietude once more.

“I feel blessed to lead this group,” enthused Parker. “I can hardly wait for our study of Galatians and the empty, mute void of uncomfortable despair ahead.”