GROVE HILLS, CT—Finally ending months of torturous, off-beat hand-clapping, the security team at Grove Baptist were at long last able to locate the culprit who could not seem to ever clap on a single correct beat, tagging him with a well-aimed tranquilizer dart right in the neck, before dragging his semi-conscious body out the front doors, sources confirmed.
The suspect was identified as single man Roger Cray, who reportedly still maintains his innocence.
After lugging Cray’s sedated body all the way to the sidewalk, security dusted off their hands, took one last disdainful look at the off-beat clapper, and walked back to the building, shutting the double-doors behind them, according to witnesses.
“We’re not just talking about lagging slightly behind, or trying to speed it up once in a while,” Pastor Larry told reporters at a celebratory potluck in honor of being rid of the horribly annoying out-of-step accompaniment every Sunday, at long last. “If we were all clapping on three, he would start clapping on one. If we got excited and started doing one and three, he’d rebelliously start in on two and four.”
“I think I speak for the whole congregation when I thank the Lord that we don’t have to deal with him anymore,” he added.
The Pastor further recounted the harrowing tale of the church’s disastrous singing of “Trading My Sorrows” back in 2014, when a then-unidentified individual began clapping in 6/8 time to song that’s clearly in 4/4.