Church Planting Teams Running Out Of Edgy Names

CHARLOTTE, NC—A representative for the Ekklesia Church Planting Network confirmed Monday that church planting teams from around the nation are running dangerously low on edgy names for new churches.

“We’ve really started scraping the bottom of the barrel,” the representative noted.

The problem was perhaps most pronounced in a recent brainstorming session for an Oklahoma City urban church plant. According to sources at the scene, in a conference room featuring a whiteboard displaying all kinds of different random, unique names for churches, Ekklesia church planting specialist Holly Quinn reportedly just sat staring blankly at the coffee machine while chewing on a pen. Suddenly, she just started throwing out whatever random words popped into her head as possible name ideas. “Pipes. Barnyard. Bauble. Weasel. Pilot.”

“Stop, stop, I’ve got it! How about ‘Seven?'” an excitable young intern named Billy reportedly interrupted.

“Seven, like—like the number?” Quinn asked with a puzzled expression. “That doesn’t make any sense. It’s confusing. I don’t know—I keep coming back to ‘Blowtorch.'” The team eventually settled on the name “Granite Gathering” as a fallback, though simply labeling the church with an enigmatic symbol like “&” or “%” was a close second choice, sources confirmed.

According to the representative, the crisis has been brewing since the ’90s, but only recently has the potential name shortage come to a head. “You definitely can’t just use words like ‘Faith,’ ‘Bible,’ or ‘Church’ anymore,” the rep said. “Even ‘Grace’ is played out, our research has consistently shown. And what kind of dinosaur puts the name of a denomination on a church plant? Talk about a disaster!”

Ekklesia announced that the parachurch organization is planning a summit of evangelical leaders to address the crisis, to be held at #Blizzard Fellowship this winter.