Church Introduces New Maximum Security Nursery

RUNNING PINES, CO—Leaders at First Baptist Church announced Monday the church has completed work on its maximum security nursery, which is designed to contain even the most unruly toddlers and babies.

The uptick in security came after the Benson children tried to escape last fall, prompting church leaders to begin construction on what is being called the nation’s first supermax church nursery.

The nursery walls are made out of 10-foot-thick concrete, with a 30-foot-high barbed wire fence surrounding the play yard. The fence is reportedly electrified, with over 20,000 volts of electricity coursing through its links at any given time.

In addition, a 100-yard-long minefield surrounds the nursery, making escape virtually impossible.

“This is where the worst of the worst go,” warden Henrietta Dyer said as she led reporters on a tour of the state-of-the-art facility where wayward toddlers are incarcerated for up to 90 minutes each Sunday. “The prisoners’ every move is watched through our cutting-edge surveillance system.”

According to Dyer, the incarceration is intended to be “completely humane,” as inmates are allowed to play outside on the playground for up to fifteen minutes each day and are fed “a square meal” of Goldfish crackers and juice.

“Every church has one of ‘those kids,’ ours included, and here at our church, we’ve decided that enough is enough. No more Mrs. Nice Church Nursery Lady,” Dyer said sternly.

At publishing time, a brawl had broken out but was quickly quelled, with Dyer grabbing the high-pressure hose and screaming for everyone to “get down or so help me.”