Church Discipline Charges Ramp Up As End-Of-Month Quotas Loom

U.S.—The end of the month is fast approaching, and local churches are issuing more and more discipline charges for even minor infractions as aggressive quotas loom large.

Reports from around the country indicate that church discipline charges more than triple in the days leading up to the end of the month. One Kentucky Reformed church reportedly disfellowshipped a woman for skipping out on Wednesday night service to take care of her sick husband, while a Presbyterian church in Fresno began the disciplinary process outlined in Matthew 18 against a couple for raising their hands during praise and worship time.

“Quotas are necessary in our fight against sin, disunity, and legalism,” one local elder told reporters Thursday. “We have to make sure we’re staying vigilant, so we ask our deacons and elders to execute no less than 75 citations per month to keep church members on their guard.” The elder also added that in his heyday “on the beat,” he consistently set new records for church discipline charges per quarter.

“The other elders nicknamed me ‘Goalie,’ because no sin got past me. Those were the days.”