FAYETTEVILLE, NC - Explaining that their dwindling attendance had to be dealt with "by any means necessary," the leadership of LifeSong Church announced Monday that they are ceasing all references to God in their Sunday services, small groups, outreach efforts, and printed materials, effective immediately.

"Talking about God has been an important part of our church's fifteen year history, but look, we have to stay true to our mission statement - Get butts in the seats and keep them there," Teaching Pastor Mark Davidson told reporters, noting that the debt acquired just five years ago from a building and property beautification isn't going to pay itself off.

"We're a church, and like any other business, we have a bottom line. We've got to get more giving units in here, and to do that, we are going to give customers what they want - which is not God."

Instead of "God talk," the church plans to offer Sunday messages focused on more relevant issues, like self-improvement, sports, movies, health, and positive thinking.

Asked if he expects any push-back about their new church policy, Davidson said yes. "But we have to do what we have to do. I, for one, am not about to take a pay cut."