Christian College’s Statement Of Beliefs Completely Unrelated To Actual Beliefs

AZUSA, CA—Local Christian liberal arts college Victory Christian University recently issued a statement revealing that its statement of faith is completely unrelated to the actual beliefs of its faculty and staff.

“We just want to briefly clarify that all that stuff in our statement of faith—well, we don’t believe a word of it,” college dean Dr. Gary Pearson told reporters Thursday. “We wanted to be sure to get that out in the open, in case there are people who expect us to actually teach what we say we do.”

Pearson also informed news media that the college had posted a comprehensive list of all the teachings that almost none of their professors actually taught in their classrooms, such as the inerrancy of Scripture, the deity of Christ, the historicity of the gospels, and the importance of personal sanctification.

“All that fancy mumbo-jumbo is in there just so Christians will pay us $40,000 per year for an education,” the dean continued. “You know—Christian students and parents feel much more comfortable about a college that has something about the Trinity featured on its website.”

Pressed about whether or not this system was misleading and immoral, Pearson reiterated his staunch belief that truth and morality are subjective concepts.