CLEVELAND, TN—If you don’t believe in miracles, you’d better start: multiple witnesses confirmed Sunday afternoon that a hungry congregation, battered by 13 extra minutes of sermon time, was fed by a divine downpour of Chick-fil-A sandwiches from the heavens.
The heavens reportedly opened up and released a barrage of classic and spicy Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches as the desperate congregation waited for the sermon to end so they could be dismissed.
“If ever there were a sign of God’s blessing poured out on His people, this is it,” Pastor Pete said as he tore into a soft, moist classic chicken sandwich with extra Chick-fil-A sauce. “Oh man, how do they make the meat so soft? It’s incredible.”
Witnesses claim that church members gathered up the sandwiches, with some grabbing several take-out bags full and others only getting a single nugget, but through some kind of mysterious divine intervention, all of God’s people ended up with just enough for them and their family to be sustained as the Methodists took all the good seats at Marie Callender’s.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed the church’s pastor had struck the church sign with a wooden staff, causing a refreshing stream of Southern sweet tea to come bursting forth to help the congregation wash down their delicious chicken sandwiches.