Chick-Fil-A Food Found To Contain Addictive Crack Cocaine

U.S.—According to a new FDA report, the chicken present in Chick-fil-A sandwiches and nuggets has been found to contain a highly addictive amount of crack cocaine.

An FDA agent was compelled to investigate after realizing he was completely addicted and experiencing Chick-fil-A withdrawals on Sundays, when the restaurant is closed. He said he was going so far as to wait outside his local restaurant early Monday morning to “get a hit of those righteous sandwiches” after a full day without them.

“We tested various Chick-fil-A products and found that their addictive properties can be attributed to the recreational stimulant known as crack cocaine, which is sprinkled on the food after it is cooked, our investigation confirmed,” FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb told reporters as he munched on a classic chicken sandwich drizzled in Chick-fil-A sauce. “Oh man, this is good. Sorry, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah—Chick-fil-A definitely has crack in it.”

While standard FDA procedure would require a full halt on all sales as the matter is investigated, federal agents confirmed they would allow the restaurant chain to stay open on the condition that Chick-fil-A executives agree to open their restaurants on Sunday “so we can get our fix.”