Calvinist Hymnal Released

U.S.—A coalition of Reformed churches in America announced Tuesday a revised hymnal, including hundreds of classic hymns that have been newly edited to reflect a more Calvinistic view of God and salvation.

“We took any hymn that talked about a ‘decision’ or ‘choice’ being made on the part of man and axed those God-forsaken lines right out of there,” a spokesperson for the Reformed alliance of churches told reporters.

“Now we can all sing along with beloved, albeit slightly altered, lines like ‘O Lamb of God, you come! You come!’ and ‘Jesus paid it all, if you are elect.'”

“I tell you what, it feels great to sing along with all these songs with great confidence, knowing every line is completely consistent with your theological construct,” he added.

The announcement made by elders presiding at the Union confirmed several favorites, including the list below:

  • Harshly and Angrily, Jesus Is Coming
  • Be Thou My Craft Brew
  • God Has Decided That I Will Follow Him
  • Stand Up, Stand Up For Jesus, As Long As Your Arms Stay Down
  • Take My Beard And Let It Be
  • Fairest John Calvin

The hymnals are reportedly available now, at an “irresistible” price, according to the spokesperson.