Breathing Classified As Microaggression

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to a new set of guidelines issued by the U.S. Department of Education, “breathing, whether inhaling or exhaling” is now classified as a discriminatory microaggression.

The guidelines, published on the Department’s website Tuesday morning, indicate that teachers or other staff members of all public schools should avoid breathing, further explaining that taking in oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide is a “potentially triggering activity.”

“We advise people to immediately cease breathing, as it could easily be perceived as a threat or might otherwise cause offense to any number of communities,” Secretary of Education John King said in a press conference. “This includes breathing in, breathing out, and all variations thereof.”

The department’s guidelines also indicate that students who commit a breathing microaggression may be punished with disciplinary action ranging from detention all the way up to expulsion.