Archaeologists Discover Prophet Daniel’s Weight Loss Diary

HILLAH, IRAQ—In a stunning discovery, archaeologists have unearthed what appears to be a 40-day weight loss diary written by the biblical prophet Daniel, sources reported Monday.

Working in decayed ruins over the ancient city of Babylon last week, scientists were astonished to find a remarkably well-preserved set of clay tablets containing both Hebrew and cuneiform writing. The tablets initially puzzled historians—until they pieced them together into a document resembling a daily diary. Working to decipher the numerical figures found on each tablet, analysts determined the author, since determined to be the prophet Daniel, was tracking his weight as it steadily declined.

For centuries, Biblical scholars assumed the self-imposed dietary restrictions recorded in the first chapter of Daniel had little to do with his desire for physical health, and far more to do with obedience to Hebrew ceremonial laws implemented by a holy God whose punishments for lawbreakers included leprosy and deadly plagues.

Not so fast, experts now say. “This discovery should make us question our assumptions about Daniel’s motivation to diet. Sure, we know Daniel was in exile, facing possible death for displaying his devotion to Yahweh in a barbaric, pagan land—but it’s now clear that Daniel’s main purpose in changing his diet was to achieve a more vibrant, abundant, and purpose-driven life. He clearly wanted to reach his full God-given potential, while losing 12-15 pounds in a healthy, God-honoring way.”