The gun control debate is raging throughout the land, and while some people say they want a "national conversation" over the issue, what they really want is to lecture you. So, as always, we at The Babylon Bee are here to present you with just the facts, so you understand both positions - no matter which side of the contentious topic you may land on.
We spent literally minutes researching each side of this debate on several social media outlets so we can help you be supremely informed on the positions of both the godless, liberal anti-gun folks who want to snatch away your M249 light machine gun for some reason, and the gun-toting rednecks who open-carry enough firearms to overthrow a small third-world dictatorship when they head to Walmart to pick up some American flag Speedos on clearance for the winter.
Join us as we look at the policy positions of both the pro-gun-control snowflakes and the anti-gun-control militiamen.
ORIGINS
Pro-gun control: A kid who watched Bambi for the first time in the late 1950s wept uncontrollably for a forty-day period of mourning and then decided to make his life's mission the eradication of all firearms, and thus, the anti-gun lobby was born. Thanks, Bambi!
Anti-gun control: The pro-gun lobby was forged in the crucible of the American Revolution, watered with the blood of the patriots who have gone before us, and handed to you in a folded up American flag, all so that your cousin Cletus could shoot Coors Light cans with a bazooka out by the sand dunes every weekend.
BASIC BELIEFS
Pro-gun control: The heart of mankind isn't the source of sin and depravity - guns are. If we'd just let the government take away all our firearms, the world would ascend into a place of peace and harmony. There will still be guns and other deadly assault weapons, of course, but only trustworthy individuals like police, military, and our deranged world leaders will have access to them. It's just common sense, people.
Anti-gun control: The Second Amendment was handed down to Moses alongside the Ten Commandments, specifying that any citizen of Israel be allowed to concealed carry up to twenty-eight light machine guns on his person at any given time. When America took over Israel's spot as God's chosen people, this right was transferred to American citizens, and therefore any attempt to ban U.S. citizens from owning sensible guns like .22 rifles, 12-gauge shotguns, or M1 Abrams Tanks is an attack upon the Bible itself.
POLICY POSITIONS
Pro-gun control: All scary-looking guns and gun accessories should be branded with meaningless, ominous-sounding names and subsequently banned. American citizens are to protect themselves against criminals, terrorists, and any possible malicious U.S. government overreach with nothing more than broomsticks and good old-fashioned willpower. But crime would be way lower because none of the bad guys would have guns either, so that's good.
Anti-gun control: Oppose all forms of gun control except using both hands. Push for an amendment to the Constitution that explicitly allows U.S. citizens to own and openly brandish siege weaponry, attack helicopters, and intercontinental ballistic missiles. If the government should ever try to expand firearm regulations in the slightest, 1776 WILL COMMENCE!
RESPONSES TO MASS SHOOTING INCIDENTS
Pro-gun control: Immediately following any tragic mass shooting, randomly select a type of gun or weapon feature and blame the entire thing on it. They put every term relating to firearms that they don't understand on a different side of a 20-sided dice and roll it to pick what they're gonna harp on until they can pass legislation that won't do anything to prevent the next tragedy.
Anti-gun control: Pray really, really hard that the shooter was a radical Muslim or deranged liberal.
ADHERENTS
Pro-gun control: Soulless neo-Marxists who long to deprive all citizens of firearms so they can have a permanently disarmed slave underclass for their tyrannical police state.
Anti-gun control: Devout disciples of Alex Jones and Ted Nugent who will plug you for looking at them sideways.