Beardless ‘Calvinist’ Outed As Arminian Spy

VALLEY PASS, VA—Beard-free pastor Jonathan Greenwood, who claimed to be a staunch Calvinist when he was hired at Valley Reformed Church, was reportedly outed as an Arminian spy Friday after a church member saw a copy of Norman Geisler’s Chosen But Free on his desk.

Greenwood was immediately placed on probation pending a full church investigation.

“We should have seen the warning signs,” a church elder told reporters. “He swore he was Reformed, but the guy is completely clean-shaven.”

“It just goes to show you that wolves really do prowl about in sheep’s clothing,” he added as he searched Greenwood’s office for more incriminating evidence. “See? He has copies of every single one of the Left Behind movies—even the Nicolas Cage remake. Ugh.”

“You can’t be too careful. Any pastor that’s bare-faced is most likely a full-on, five-point Arminian in disguise, slipping in to spy on our freedom we have in Christ Jesus,” he further warned.

In response to the controversy, several Reformed denominations immediately passed emergency resolutions declaring that all elders must sport full beards, smoke pipes, and drink a minimum of twelve craft brews per week.