The Babylon Bee’s Top Ten Books Of 2017

It’s that time of the year already! We’ve combed through thousands of works that have been published this season and now it’s time to count down the very best Christian books of 2017.

With our tenacious collective intellect and unparalleled access to the inner world of Christendom, our yearly top ten books list has become the standard-bearer of all top ten lists.

You’ve waited all year, and here it is. The Babylon Bee‘s top ten books of 2017.

10.) God and the Muslim Christian — Matthew Vines: A follow-up to his popular book God and the Atheist Christian, in this work Vines builds a compelling case for holding onto your identity as a devout Muslim and opponent of all kafir, while simultaneously embracing the precious truths and promises of the gospel. This book is a game-changer.

9.) The Eggs Benedict Option — Rod Dreher: How should a Christian engage the world? With an egg attractively served atop an English muffin and slice of ham, of course. In one of the most stimulating reads of the year, Dreher calls on believers to retreat to their kitchens in order to prepare the classic American breakfast dish while pondering what in the world we might do about this post-protein and post-Christian debacle we find ourselves in.

8.) Keeping Up with the Pipers — Barnabas Piper: The younger Piper gives a tell-all account of the wacky hijinks that inevitably pop up on an hourly basis when you’re being raised by John Piper. From tales of Grape-Nuts to snow angels to banana splits, this book is guaranteed to keep you smiling throughout.

7.) What Happened — Mark Driscoll: The former pastor of Mars Hill gives a riveting, extraordinarily detailed account of what went wrong at the multi-site megachurch, blaming everyone from Satan and attack helicopters to Russian click-farms and the mainstream media.

6.) Under an Amish Blood Moon — John Hagee and Beverly Lewis: When two electrifying authors like Hagee and Lewis team up, the result can’t be anything but spectacular. A thrilling tale of impending premillennial doom is the backdrop for a love story between unassuming Amish boy Eli and his forbidden love Sarah.

5.) Frodo’s Journey Aboard Battlestar Galactica: A Lord of the Rings Fanfiction — Tim Keller: We didn’t think a fanfiction about a Hobbit going off in search of the mythical planet of Earth aboard the last remaining Battlestar would be any good, but Keller proved us wrong. All 67 parts of this fanfic, published under Keller’s fanfiction.net handle “BaldPresby413,” were absolutely enthralling.

4.) Blow the Moment — Carl Lentz: Using his phenomenal “punt heard round the world” as the blueprint, lead pastor of the U.S. franchise of global megachurch Hillsong literally writes the book about how to shirk your responsibility as a Christian when asked point-blank if abortion is bad, in order to reduce the level of tension in the air, gain favor of those around you, and alienate the fewest number of non-believers and personal fans at the expense of the truth. As he did recently in front of millions of people on The View, let the master Lentz teach you how to truly Blow the Moment.

3.) Why You Need To Buy My 50-Gallon Drums of Nacho Cheese Sauce Right Now Before Your Entire Family is Killed — Jim Bakker: Evangelical stalwart Bakker makes no bones about it. You better buy his oil drums full of delicious cheese sauce right now! Ignore him at your family’s peril! We even ordered several of his “CODE RED END TIMES DELICIOUS PANTRY BLEND” just in case. Hey, our families are safe!

2.) Christian Values are Great, but Hoo Boy, Let Me Tell You About This Thing Called Political Power — Jerry Falwell, Jr: The president of Liberty University lays out a bold case for why Christian values are all well and good, but once one gets a taste of political power that clashes with said values, man oh man, a little thing called cognitive dissonance kicks in and things can get a little complicated. Endorsed by Donald Trump and Robert Jeffress, this book was an instant bestseller this year.

1.) You’ll Buy Any Stupid Trash I Put Out, Won’t You, You Dumb Suckers — Joel Osteen: In perhaps the most important work of the year, Joel Osteen lays out an iron-clad case to millions of readers that they will undoubtedly continue to buy any and all stupid, meaningless, mind-numbing, gospel-diluting, Jesus-disrespecting trash he puts out, in bulk, without so much as a second thought. “I spread this hair-thin Christian veneer on it, smack my huge smile on the front cover, and collect my $15 million advance because you morons just keep eating it up,” he says in the intro. An instant Christian classic that’s sure to sell millions of copies.

There were many good and notable books this year, but we had to narrow it down to just ten, so here we stand. Did any of your favorites make our list? We sure hope so.