Armed With Just His Personal Relationship With Jesus, Man Invents Several New Heresies

PORTLAND, OR—Local lone-ranger Christian Bill Pershing, proud of his individualistic approach to faith unrestrained by creeds or orthodoxy, proudly announced today that he came up with at least a half-dozen new ways of thinking about Jesus, all of which constitute grievous heresies.

His theology, though vague, seems to be a strange mix of Arianism, semi-Nestorianism, and what commentators have identified as teachings from the Teletubbies and Dora the Explorer.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like this before . . . it’s actually pretty innovative—though to be clear, it’s damnable heresy of the basest sort,” noted pastor and Bible teacher John MacArthur in a phone interview Thursday morning. “His theory of the atonement seems to have integrated ideas from Rasputin, Oprah Winfrey, and the popular video game Starcraft. The Preacher in Ecclesiastes says there’s nothing new under the sun, but this one’s pretty new to me.”

Pershing is also reportedly beginning work on a new book chronicling his journey out of the institutional church and into a stronger relationship with Jesus, which is rumored to contain a systematic rejection of systematic theology.