Ann Voskamp Addresses Conference Via Translator

CHICAGO, IL—Ann Voskamp, author of the immensely popular One Thousand Gifts, spoke to a packed house last night at the Passionate Borderless Empowered Frontiers Without Borders Conference through her recently-hired translator, who is fluent in Voskamp-to-English.

“Fan flame,” Voskamp urged the audience in a loud whisper. “Fan it in the gloaming, to the redolent glockenspiel, with Paris askance. Wildly, a laughing womb, a reflection in nuzzling. Proceed from a place of salubrious reticence. Gather, but forefend.”

A cautious silence enveloped the auditorium, until the interpreter explained Mrs. Voskamp was saying she was quite pleased to be at the conference. Passionate applause broke out at that point.

“Squash, buried by yearning’s okra, dancing in Rio, deliriously, with the lion. Flirtatiously assenting in thanksgiving. A cap, a cape, a goat. Striving in the worm of the world apple. Shake utterly, thee of the yearnfruits, firstfruits, fruit flies.”

The translator then explained over raucous cheers from the thousands of women in attendance, that Mrs. Voskamp really, really thought Jesus would make an awesome boyfriend.

One incident caused a bit of confusion, however. The crowd cheered wildly after Mrs. Voskamp stated, “Grubbing, whelping snoodle, roar, stir porridge, soapless, profound in yams so starred,” only to discover via the interpreter she was merely asking how much time she had left.

All in all, the event was a success and the conference-goers were thrilled with the speech.

“It’s so beautiful, and she’s so wonderful,” gushed attendee Catarina Gipp, of Carmel, Indiana, after the conference. “It’s like she’s speaking the innermost thoughts of my soul. I can’t wait to—what was it?—‘Suffer the knitted glad eucharisteo with mimsy borogoves, longing.’ So powerful. So true.”