WATERLOO, IA—According to sources close to local believer James Beazer, the inside sales representative and father of two is suffering brutal persecution in the form of “two or three” lighthearted comments made about his faith each year.
At a recent summer picnic, the brave martyr is said to have told an intern from accounting that he goes to church on Sundays—reportedly earning him a withering verbal beating, as the intern was seen persecuting Beazer with harsh words like “Oh, so you’re one of those Bible thumpers?” and “Hope you’re not one of those holy rollers, Beaze!” followed by a friendly slap on the back.
While Beazer’s faith was put to the test, the salesman refused to waver, chuckling awkwardly and nodding before wandering away to see if there was any more punch.
In another incident, sources confirmed that Beazer was called a “Jesus freak” by his boss, who clearly meant the comment as friendly banter rather than a true insult, and was gently chided for saying he couldn’t come to a Sunday morning NFL game this season as he’d be at church.
“Christians all around the world suffer persecution and even face death every day,” Beazer told reporters Thursday. “Who am I to think I’m any different? I count all suffering as joy and I endure it for the sake of Christ.”
At publishing time, Beazer confirmed that he had been approached by a literary agent, who hopes to record his trials in an inspirational book for distribution in countries like China, Iran, and Somalia, so Christians abroad can get a glimpse of what it’s like to truly suffer for Christ.