Almighty Scrambles To Throw Together Apocalypse Before Next Blood Moon

HEAVEN—God, the sovereign Lord of the heavens and earth, issued an apology Wednesday for failing to smite the created order with fire and brimstone during the recent blood moon cluster, but promises He is pulling out all the stops to make sure that doomsday will be primed and ready by the next lunar tetrad.

“Due to a lack of resources, the apocalyptic season has been once again postponed,” the press release read. “All our departments were stretched thin dealing with crises in the Middle East, Donald Trump’s campaign, and the rise of various rank heresies within the church.” The document went on to reassure constituents that the end of all things is still at hand—pending the next bizarre astronomical coincidence. “We are working around the clock to ensure we don’t miss the next big set of blood moons coming up in, I believe, 2032. You can count on it this time.”

At press time, pastor and self-proclaimed prophecy expert John Hagee was reportedly preparing a revised and expanded edition of his bestseller Four Blood Moons to account for the new information in the Almighty’s announcement.