Every woke person in the current year has the responsibility to constantly reevaluate the entertainment we consume. Ideas that might have been okay in 1990 or 2000 or even just last week might be completely unacceptable by today's ever-shifting moral standards. The truly woke won't be able to enjoy any entertainment at all, because they'll be calling out every single line of dialogue from Friends or The Office for not doing enough to combat oppression and patriarchy.
Let's bravely call these decades-old shows out for the oppressive, problematic stereotypes they portray. We have got to do better.
Golden Girls - What was once wholesome, family-friendly entertainment is now exposed for what it really is: a cisnormative, transphobic cesspool, suggesting that only those born as women could possibly be called "girls." Avoid at all costs.
Captain Planet - Captain Planet did a lot for mother nature. We won't deny that. But he didn't do enough to fight climate change, focusing instead on pollution and littering. We call upon all woke people to summon the power of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and, yes, even the totally nerfed Heart power, to banish Captain Planet once and for all.
Lamb Chop's Play-Along - Normalizing the oppression of livestock is not okay. Watching an affluent white woman play that poor little lamb like a puppet should offend even the most callous sensibilities.
The nightly newscast - Let's face it - reality can be triggering. It might have been acceptable to watch the nightly report on the goings-on of the day in decades past, but today, we're beyond that. Just make up whatever reality you want: much less problematic.
Elmo's World - Through the many seasons of this popular show, Elmo's friend Oscar was never able to move out of his trash-can home, promoting unacceptable wealth inequality to our nation's youth.
Low-budget local insurance commercials - Your favorite local low-budget insurance commercial might be unintentionally hilarious, but it's also unintentionally prejudiced. By reminding the impoverished that they can't afford insurance, these commercials are problematic in the worst way. We just can't take that bet.
The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! - Every time you watch this show, an Italian-American somewhere in the world is unfairly stereotyped as being a plumber who dives down giant green pipes to beat up turtles. Let that sink in the next time you're tempted to dance along to classic tunes like the "Plumber Rap" or "Do the Mario."
Family Matters - Urkel's horrible nickname for Carl Winslow was "Big Guy," an obvious reference to his full figure. Fat shaming is never OK.
Darkwing Duck - While most accept Darkwing Duck as a significant cultural icon, this show suffered from a real lack of diversity, featuring mostly white cartoon fowl. This kind of violence against intersectionality is egregious and unacceptable.
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air - Why's the butler gotta be a black guy? HMMM?
The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross - This ableist propaganda outright assumes everyone has fingers, hands, arms, and eyes with which to paint a picture. DO BETTER.
The Star Wars Holiday Special - There actually aren't too many problems with this one, but we just don't want to have to suffer through it again. So we're just gonna score some woke points by calling it problematic.
Columbo - Everyone's favorite bumbling Los Angeles detective was actually an oppressive, traditionalist bigot, if you watch this classic show with your woke glasses on. By investigating homicides, he implies that there is an objective moral standard that makes murder wrong. The 1970s called, and they want their problematic moral code back.
Dallas - Texas? Cowboy hats? Cattle ranching? Oil tycoons? This is basically the George W. Bush administration, which is the very definition of triggering.
Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers - "Chip" and "Dale"? Why don't you just come out and say that women are too weak and stupid to be heroes?
Beast Wars: Transformers - Furry culture is not your Saturday morning entertainment, people!
Batman - While watching the Caped Crusader fight for justice in the darkened streets of Gotham has been a treasured American pastime, from those wacky Adam West episodes to the gritty Animated Series, it's time to hang up the cowl. Batman is extremely insensitive to people who identify as bats. To avoid offending batkin everywhere, throw your Batman Beyond DVD set on the garbage heap.
It's time to call all your woke friends and throw a giant bonfire. The fuel? Every DVD set and piece of merchandise from each of these shows. Let's make the world a better place together!