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Trump, Kim Jong Un To Become Accountability Partners

PYONGYANG—Shortly after the announcement that President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un would be meeting together, the pair further confirmed that they had struck up a friendship and would become each other’s “accountability partners.”

The two have agreed to meet weekly for coffee to help each other resist the temptation to begin World War 3.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one powerful egomaniac sharpens another,” President Trump said as he and the North Korean dictator began perusing the first chapter of Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven Life together. “Let’s begin with a word of prayer. Father God, we thank you for bringing the two of us together this morning, and we just pray, Father God, that you would just, just just use this time to help bring us closer to each other and closer to You. Amen.”

The accountability duo will also be using modern technology to keep each other honest. According to Trump, the Secret Service was able to repurpose code developed for CovenantEyes, and each of the world leaders will now receive an email whenever the other one Googles terms like “how to build a nuclear missile” and “when is the best time to launch missiles and kick off a nuclear holocaust.” They will then be able to call each other and talk one another down from succumbing to the nigh-irresistible temptation to choke the world in deadly clouds of radiation.

At publishing time, the two had invited the President of Iran and the King of Saudi Arabia to join their meetings, dubbing the new get-togethers a “community life group,” according to sources.