WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a presidential Twitter rant Monday morning, President Trump declared that he has the right to pardon himself on the day of judgment, when God will repay each person according to what he or she has done.
Sources close to Trump claim the President had stumbled across the second chapter of Romans before sending out the tweet, and went into a “blind rage” upon discovering that God would be judging everybody who has ever lived. This led to the flurry of tweets in which Trump suggested he could simply issue himself a presidential pardon, “on the off-chance” the Lord finds him guilty of sin against the Most High.
“As has been stated by numerous theologians, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself before God, but why would I do that when I have done nothing wrong?” he wrote. The tweet then went on to refer to the Lord’s comprehensive judgment of all of humanity as a “Witch Hunt.”
Trump further reminded his Twitter followers that his statement was not an admission of guilt, and that he fully expected to be found worthy of entering into the presence of the Lord without any forgiveness necessary.
“I’m the best at being judged, believe me,” he wrote. “I’ll be the best and most faithful of all the servants!”