DALLAS, TX — In a horrific tragedy, the Postal Service was unable to deliver an abortion pill in time and now an adorable baby has been born.

"It's sickening. Just look at this beautiful, sweet baby. " said delivery nurse Amy Schneider. "All of this cuteness, this amazing new life, could so easily have been avoided with one little pill. Why, God??"

According to doctors, not taking an abortion pill has been directly linked to cuddly babies being born alive. "Taking an abortion pill destroys a baby's blood supply, ensuring no one experiences the calamity of seeing their wonderful, squishy faces," said Dr. Rhonda Miller. "If only this baby's mother could have taken that pill, she wouldn't be suffering through looking into the precious eyes of her daughter. It's almost enough to make me cry."

Abortion advocates vowed to ensure that such a terrible misery would never again be visited upon another woman. "The worst part is knowing that we could have stopped this innocent, lovely baby from ever drawing breath - and we didn't do it," said Planned Parenthood executive Donna Marks. "A rosy-cheeked, newborn girl's face is something no mother should ever have to see."

At publishing time, the neonatologist had arrived to mourn with the mother as she started the most meaningful of all human experiences.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.