ATLANTA, GA—CNN has given a special award to the clock hanging in one of its studios, naming it the news station’s most accurate reporter. The clock, which has been stuck showing the time to be 1:11 for the past three years, was found to surpass every other CNN reporter in how often it got the news exactly right.
“The wall clock is an inspiration to us all,” said CNN president Jeffrey Zucker. “Now, it doesn’t always get things right---but nobody is perfect. Still, twice a day, that clock absolutely nails the facts. That’s way better than anyone else we have.”
Not everyone was happy that the clock received this recognition. Some reporters, who wish to remain anonymous, say the clock sets an unrealistic standard for news accuracy. Also, President Donald Trump denounced the clock on Twitter, calling it “biased against him” and blaming its faulty reporting for making him late to a showing of Alita: Battle Angel.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.