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Progressive Parents Sit Their Kid Down For Talk About The Birds And The Bees And The Birds Who Want To Become Bees And The Bees Who Identify As Birds And Buckle Up, This Might Take A While

PORTLAND, OR—Local progressive parents Ken and Molly Harper decided it was time to have "the talk" with their preteen daughter, Rayne. 

"Honey, it's time we have a little talk about the birds and the bees," Mr. Harper began nervously. "Not that birds necessarily have to be birds, mind you! I'm not suggesting that we assign biological species at birth. May Gaea forbid it!" After apologizing to any birds he might have offended, he continued. "All I'm saying is that, well, uh---honey, you got anything?"

Molly Harper patted their daughter on the back. "What your father's trying to say is that, well, the birds and the bees... and, well, let's not leave out the birds who want to become bees, and the bees who identify as birds! Maybe we'd better start there and then we'll circle back to the cisspecies birds and bees."

The couple then got out a large bulletin board and began pinning different clippings on it with thumbtacks, slowly connecting all the pieces of information with a web-like pattern of red yarn. "So you can feel like a bee, but present yourself as a bird, but still be attracted to bees, right? I hope that makes sense."

"Not that I'm saying that's superior to polyamorous birds, heavens no!" he stammered, suddenly realizing he had become a bigot. "Uh, what I meant to say is... uh..."

Rayne Harper asked if this was going to be over anytime soon so she could go back to reading Harry Potter.

"We're not even close," Mrs. Harper said. "You'd better settle in, this might take a while."

16 hours later, they'd gotten a good halfway through "the talk" and decided to leave the discussion about birds having surgeries when they're still hatchlings to become bees until the following day.

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