Progressives Across Nation Locked Out Of Accounts After CAPTCHA Asks 'Select All Squares That Contain A Woman'
Life · Mar 26, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

NEW HAVEN, CT — Progressives across the nation have found themselves locked out of their accounts after CAPTCHA began asking users to identify what squares show a woman.

"I'm not a biologist!" cried local man Lucas Fitzgerald. "What kind of sick joke is this?"

Hundreds of thousands of online accounts have quickly become locked, as liberals repeatedly failed the test designed to distinguish humans from robots. "Thousands of customers have called asking what the secret is to recognizing a woman," said Bank of America executive Lacy Reynolds. "I honestly don't know how to explain it in any simpler terms. The good news is, they can't withdraw any money - so it's been a real help during this banking crisis."

In response to the outcry, the company behind the new CAPTCHA challenge defended the rigorous testing process for each picture. "We have tons of data showing that three-year-olds can reliably pick out the woman in the image," said software engineer Gary Marsh. "So can the vast majority of household pets. The program is merely designed to check for the bare minimum level of intelligence to be human. We literally cannot make it any dumber."

At publishing time, President Biden had smashed another computer in frustration after being unable to log in to his email.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.