GERMANTOWN, TN—Walking calmly into his scheduled Genius Bar appointment at exactly 10:00 a.m. Wednesday morning, local Presbyterian believer John Garner stoically greeted the Apple employee assigned to assist him before asking how he could remove the “Praise Hands Emojis” from his iPhone, sources confirmed.
“There’s a problem with my phone,” Garner began. “See, there are these hands raised up in the air when I pull up the emojis on my keyboard, and I’d like to get them taken off—or if we could at least replace them with hands being placed in pockets where they belong, that’d work too.”
The confused Apple employee, unsure exactly what Garner was asking, launched into a demonstration of how to use the emojis, according to witnesses, but was interrupted by Garner.
“Whoa! Did I just see clapping hands on there? Those are going to need to be removed right away,” Garner said. “Please and thank you.”
“I’m not sure what it is you want, sir. These are installed by default on every iPhone we sell. It’s not a glitch, it’s a feature,” the bewildered Genius Bar worker reportedly replied.
“It’s pretty simple—I want you to remove all these emoji fellows showing various emotions. You can keep the expressionless guy, but the rest have to go,” Garner noted as the worker continued flipping through the pages of emojis on his iPhone.
At publishing time, Garner had run from the store in terror after seeing the wide array of diverse emojis from various cultures.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.