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Paramedic Announces He Will Only Help Those Who Help Themselves

HOUSTON, TX—Inspired by a recent inspirational Christian quote he saw on Instagram, local paramedic William Yancey announced Thursday that he will only be helping victims who can first help themselves.

“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and sure, I’ll be glad to help,” Yancey wrote on his Facebook page. “But I’m fed up with all these needy, sick, and dying people always asking for me to help them out when they’re not even willing to lift a finger to help themselves.”

Yancey’s innovative new method of medical emergency response was put to the test almost immediately Thursday afternoon, as he responded to a call from dispatch indicating a man had been hit by the 12:30 Amtrak to downtown. Upon arriving at the scene, Yancey leaped out of his ambulance and began encouraging the man to dust himself off and assist in his own rescue, before he would be able to administer aid.

“You just have to recognize that when God closes a door, he always opens a window!” Yancey shouted. “I’ll help you, sure, but only when you can demonstrate that you’re willing to meet me halfway!” The unidentified man, who had several broken limbs and was entirely unconscious, continued to lie in the street, unresponsive to Yancey’s pleas to help himself, according to witnesses. “You can do it by your own strength! Believe in yourself!”

At publishing time, Yancey was reminding the unconscious man that God will never give him more than he can handle.