AKRON, OH — In order to properly shame the weak, newly installed thermostats will now require men to surrender their Man Card in order to turn on the heat.

"You sure you want to do that, you low-T coward?" asked the thermostat, as local man Daniel Miller reached for the heat button. "If so, hand over your man card and go enroll yourself in a birthing class, immediately."

Being a feeble namby-pamby, Mr. Miller has again considered turning on the heat after all of the house pipes froze, leaving the family without water. "I get that I will disgrace my family name, but we can only survive so long," said Mr. Miller. "And our poor goldfish is literally encased in a block of ice. It's really, really cold in here."

Though experts say real men never turn on the furnace, even if their eyes freeze shut, surveys show the young boys of the current generation have gone soft. "We hope these new thermostat controls will help push this pathetic crop of weaklings to shape up," said local handyman Art Rogers. "Grab a coat, build a fire, and amputate that toe you lost to frostbite with a garden pruner. You'll finally be able to respect that man in the mirror."

At publishing time, Mr. Miller's wife and children had lost all respect for him after he set the heat to 40 degrees.

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