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Man Suing Chick-Fil-A For Emotional Damages

LEXINGTON, KY—Local man George McNear is fed up with Chick-Fil-A being closed on Sundays and is suing the fast-food giant, claiming they are directly responsible for his fragile emotional state and frequent, explosive outbursts.

“I’m doing this for everyone who suffers like I do,” McNear told reporters Friday. “I’ll be craving a diet lemonade, a number one with no pickles—only to be crushed when I realize it’s Sunday. Everything goes downhill from there.”

McNear described these experiences as filled with bitterness, anger, resentment, confusion, and sheer rage.

“Look at what they are doing to me,” he wailed. “Is this ‘their pleasure,’ too? Why can’t they just open for lunch, you know? Can’t they make their employees go to an early service? Can’t they hire some pagans to serve me chicken on Sundays?!”

When reached for comment, a representative of Chick-Fil-A said that they anticipate this matter to be settled out of court, very quickly. “I’m sure we’ll give him some coupons, just like last time,” the representative noted.