WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus.
"Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things," Fauci said. "You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, though I'm just a medical doctor and can't speak to any other risk factors this may introduce."
Of course, Dr. Fauci says that he and other Washington elites are exempt from the recommendation.
"I mean, other people should do that, not me," he said, chuckling. "I can go to a baseball game and stuff without worrying about protecting against that kind of stuff, because I'm a doctor. The virus and I are on good terms."
Some doctors quickly held a press conference to point out the dangers of wearing the new full-body bubble wrap cocoons, but their video was banned from Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube for containing dangerous medical misinformation.
At publishing time, Fauci had also pointed out that the bubbles are really fun to pop and admitted that may have informed his recommendation.