Christmas Gift Guide 2017

It’s getting close to Christmas—too close. If you haven’t wrapped up (pun!) your shopping by now, then you’re in big trouble. Well, you would have been, if you hadn’t clicked on this wonderful gift guide, a present directly from heaven to you. Just find the Christian tribe your gift recipient fits into and go pick up the gift—they’re sure to love it.

You’re welcome, and merry JESUSmas!

For the dispensationalist in your life: an 80-foot-long rapture chart, accurately detailing the end times down to the last second. Wonder who the antichrist is, or the exact date on which Jesus will return? Wonder no more! Your favorite dispensational premillennialist will love tracking the end of the world with this beautiful gift worthy of framing. Shadow Mountain Community Church Bookstore, $29.99

For the seminary student in your life: Theologically Woke Scrabble. This new version of the popular word game by Hasbro only accepts heady theology terms, like “transsubstantiation” and “hypostatic,” and even gives double or triple points for obscure theological terms no one else has ever heard of! Games can last up to eighteen hours, unless a fistfight over Calvinism or cessationism breaks out first. Target exclusive, $19.99

For the theologically progressive Christian in your life: a Bible. Any version will do. LifeWay Christian Stores, $29.99

For the theologically conservative Christian in your life: a talking John MacArthur plush doll. The new Johnny Mac merchandise came out just in time for the Christmas season, and the best of the bunch is the new talking plush doll. Saying phrases like, “Sounds like Strange Fire to me,” and “You’re unqualified for ministry,” theologically conservative Christians of all ages will love their new J Mac doll. Grace to You webstore, $99.99

For the megachurch member in your life: tickets to their celebrity pastor’s next book signing. What better gift to give a megachurch member than a chance to finally meet their own pastor? They’ll never forget this once-in-a-lifetime chance to shake hands with their pastor for at least a few seconds and buy one of his books at an inflated price. Megachurch bookstore, $199.99

For the charismatic in your life: some ecstasy and glow sticks. For when that Holy Spirit high your Pentecostal friend is constantly chasing just needs a little jump-start, why not go with a few beans and some entrancing glow sticks? Seedy alley by local bodega, $100

For the Covenant Theologian in your life: promise to give them an awesome gift, then later on claim it was just a metaphor. Promise to give your amillennialist, Covenant Theology-subscribing brother in Christ a gift, and then later on clarify that it was just a metaphor. Better yet, give it to their little brother instead! Classic! Anywhere fine gifts are sold, $ Priceless

For the LBGT-affirming Christian in your life: a framed print of 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. Who doesn’t like a little Scripture to place on their desk or kitchen counter to motivate them throughout the day? A classic, timeless gift your gay-affirming friends will love. LifeWay Christian Stores, $14.99

For the homeschooler family in your life: a television. Your favorite sheltered homeschool family will surely appreciate the portal into the dark world of secular programming that you give them this Christmas! Go with a big screen and include a Netflix and cable subscription for maximum impact. Best Buy, $399.99

WELP, your shopping’s all done, so relax and enjoy the REAL reason for the season: unbridled commercialism!