Tech
Apple Watch Heart Monitor Warns If You’re Not Excited Enough About New Apple Products

CUPERTINO, CA—At a company event Wednesday, Apple touted a special feature of the new Series 4 Apple Watch: its heart monitor is now so advanced it can detect if people aren’t properly thrilled by the announcement of new Apple products.

“We’re so excited about this important new feature,” Tim Cook told an applauding crowd, “and it will make sure you’re excited too. The Apple Watch will now monitor your heart rate during these product reveal events we hold, and if it doesn’t notice a spike in heart rate when we say things like ‘7 nanometers’ or ‘advanced machine learning,’ it will give you a warning that you’re not properly responding to the great new Apple product features we’re announcing.”

The warning will consist of a slight vibration and a message on the watch face such as “More pixels means better images” or “That’s 5 trillion operations per second — trillion with a ‘t'” to help the wearer understand why they should be elated by what was just said. If this still doesn’t elicit an noticeable change in heart rate, the watch will assume the user must not be paying attention and will then start shocking the user with increasing voltage.

“It’s possible the electric shocks may eventually render the user unconscious,” Cook explained, “but the Apple Watch Series 4’s new fall detection will be able to tell if that’s happened and will automatically call emergency services to help you… though it’s possible the watch might just decide to leave you there to rot for being an ungrateful piece of human garbage.”