WASHINGTON, DC — Following former President Donald Trump's overwhelming victory in CPAC's straw poll for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has proposed legislation that would impose a nationwide ban on the use of straws.

"This poll shows straws are a threat to our democracy!" Ocasio-Cortez said in a statement to the media. "If straws are supporting Donald Trump and his dangerous ‘MAGA' movement, then they have no business being in public circulation, let alone voting for President!"

"Plus, they outnumber humans, like, 2 to 1. That's scary!"

The straw poll, conducted at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, showed Trump garnering a commanding 60% of the votes cast. This resulted in immediate calls from Democrats to subject straws to even heavier regulation.

The former President himself was quick to weigh on with a response. "The Democrats are just jealous," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "Dumb AOC is just angry that she can't get 60% of a vote without rigging an election! I had the biggest, most beautiful straw poll in the history of CPAC! So many patriotic, American straws. Banning straws is un-American! How are supposed to drink milkshakes without them? WITCH HUNT!"

Ocasio-Cortez pledged to continue the fight against straws, no matter how long it takes. "If this straw poll showed us one thing, it's that straws can no longer be trusted," she said.

At publishing time, AOC had been seen at a local coffee shop gluing herself to a straw in protest.

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