Woman Finally Accepts Doctrine Of Total Depravity Now That Daughter Is Two

NEW YORK, NY—Mary Eastwood, 29, says she struggled for years to accept the biblical teaching that human beings are innately corrupted by sin, preferring instead to think that people are basically good. However, now that her daughter Charlotte is right in the prime of her “terrible twos,” Eastwood has changed her mind, fully embracing and even espousing the doctrine of total depravity.

“I had the hardest time coming to grips with the idea that all the people I see around me are marred by sin and without hope but for the grace of God,” the young mother told reporters. “But now that Charlotte is two—hoo boy. That innate depravity is shining through with the brightness of a thousand suns.”

Noting that her daughter, though small and cute, some days leaves her and her husband weeping in despair, Eastwood went on to say that no one in their right mind could handle a toddler for any amount of time and come out on the other end thinking human beings are “basically good.”

“She’s like a Category 5 hurricane with a cute face,” Eastwood told reporters. “I love her to death, but wherever she is, darkness and destruction reign.”

At publishing time, Eastwood was inviting an unbelieving friend to come to her house so Charlotte could convince her of mankind’s radical corruption and desperate need for a savior.