Visionary Pastor Fails Eye Exam

SAN DIEGO, CA—Sources outside a local eye care center report that 4U Church’s lead visionary Colton Emadi failed an eye exam Friday.

“I’ve never seen a more dismal performance,” eye care center employee Greg Carnicella admitted to reporters afterward. “He couldn’t even handle the top line.”

“I’ve always had such great vision. I tested very strongly for vision on my last spiritual gift test,” a flummoxed Emadi said in a statement. “After that puff test, though, I could barely find the exit sign.”

Several parisioners were reportedly disillusioned by the news, as Emadi’s eagle-like vision was what drew them to 4U Church’s appealing ministry. “Scripture says God raises up visionaries for such a time as this,” one church member said. “At least that’s what our visionary says it says.”

Emadi reportedly even has Proverbs 29:18—”Without vision the people perish”—tattooed on his right forearm. “That’s my life verse,” Emadi explained in a recent Twitter Q&A. “My people are imperishable.”

At publishing time, it was still unclear whether Emadi’s vision will improve enough to find his way to the qualifications for pastors in 1 Timothy 3.