Unmarried Churchgoer Powers Through First-Graders’ Musical Performance

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—“Ughhhh. It hurts!” single churchgoer Alex Mann, 44, was heard mumbling to himself while squinting his tear-filled eyes and clutching his side as he endured a musical performance by the first graders of Grace Church of Christ Sunday.

“Hrrnngh! Oh man. Is it—is it over yet? Please, God,” he reportedly begged at the end of “This Little Light Of Mine.” When the children launched into “Jesus Loves Me,” Mann doubled over, discombobulated and nauseous.

“Hrrrrrrrrmph!” he barked, staring a hole through the church carpet, wobbling on the edge of sanity. “You can do this, Alex. Stay strong, man. Stay strong!”

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!” he cried.

A that point, according to sources, the performance wound down and the kids took a bow. The dizzy, sweating congregant gathered himself, took a victorious slug of his coffee, and clapped louder than anyone else in the church as the smiling, waving first graders exited the stage.