Opinion: Touch Any Of The Christmas Decorations In This Church And I Will Cut You

Hi there, and thanks for checking us out here at Grace Baptist Church. We love having you around this holiday season to celebrate the birth of our Savior!

Just a quick side note for you: if you or your kids accidentally knock over my nativity set, pull an ornament off one of the five Christmas trees in the foyer, or otherwise tweak any of the Christmas decorations I spent the last four days painstakingly crafting and meticulously dressing all over the church building, I will end you.

A painful end too. I will come after you with all the burning fury of a thousand suns. Musicians will pen songs of my wrath raining down upon your head.

See, my name’s Ethel Rutherford—head of the church decorating committee. You may have heard of me. That’s right, THE Ethel Rutherford who created the storied display of Christmas lights during the 1983 holiday season that were visible from space. And Ethel Rutherford does not screw around.

So much as touch my tinsel, and you’ll be eternally sorry. Come too close to my ornate strands of holly, and they’ll never find your body.

Touch any of my Christmas decorations at all, and I will cut you.

Do I make myself clear?

Great! Then we hope you enjoy your time at Grace Baptist. We hope to see you again soon!