The TL;DR Edition Of All 66 Books Of The Bible

The Bible is really long.

Luckily for you, we at The Babylon Bee have studied our official company Scofield Reference Bible for the past 80 years in order to distill each of the 66 books down to a bite-sized snippet even you can understand. We reduced every book to a single, memorable line, so you don’t have to read a word of it for yourself. Nice!

Forget about reading through the Bible in a year—now you can read through the Bible in about five minutes!

Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.
Exodus – YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
Leviticus – STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.
Numbers – Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.
Deuteronomy – I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Joshua – The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.
Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.
Ruth – The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.
1 Samuel – David & Goliath.
2 Samuel – David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.
1 Kings – Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!
2 Kings – Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys…
1 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.
2 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has—PART 2.

Ezra – The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.
Nehemiah – Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.
Esther – A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of Game of Thrones, plus way more clothing.

Job – Hebrew country music song.
Psalms – An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.
Proverbs – GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON’T FOLLOW HIM.
Ecclesiastes – Everything is meaningless, except everything isn’t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.
Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.

Isaiah – Make Worship Great Again!
Jeremiah – God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.
Lamentations – :'(
Ezekiel – A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.
Daniel – Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.

Hosea – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Joel – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Amos – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Obadiah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.
Micah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Nahum – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Habakkuk – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Zephaniah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Haggai – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Zechariah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Malachi – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Matthew – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.
Mark – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.
Luke – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.
John – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.

Acts – Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur’s worst nightmare.
Romans – God justifies, man screws stuff up.
1 Corinthians – Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.
2 Corinthians – CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.
Galatians – Romans but shorter.
Ephesians – Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Philippians – You can win sports games through Jesus.
Colossians – Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.

1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.
2 Thessalonians – A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.
1 Timothy – Ladies, plz stop talking.
2 Timothy – Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in Return of the Jedi.
Titus – Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.
Philemon – Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.

Hebrews – Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.
James – Act more gooder, people.
1 Peter – U gonna suffer fam.
2 Peter – Bro, Paul’s really confusing plz help.
1 John – God is love m’kay?
2 John – Yup, He’s still love.
3 John – HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.
Jude – Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.
Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!