Study: Mortality Rate Holding Steady At 100%

WORLD—A new study of the world’s population revealed that the expected mortality rate among humans is still 100%, researchers at Harvard University confirmed Tuesday.

The surprising study found that given enough time, every single person on this planet will pass away, completely irrespective of wealth, class, gender, race, nationality, or creed.

“The results are fairly conclusive,” head researcher Bryan Vo told reporters. “We expected to have a few outliers who managed to buck the trend, but even the ultra-rich, famous, and powerful will eventually go to the grave, according to our models.”

The study looked at population samples from various parts of the globe and confirmed that given enough time, every single member of the sample group would one day face death. Computer models confirmed the findings of Harvard’s research team, demonstrating that no person out of the 7.5 billion people on the planet would be able to live forever.

At publishing time, those who were confronted with the results of the study reportedly experienced a brief moment of introspection followed by an attempt to push the thought of dying one day out of their minds and go about their lives as if they will live forever.