Report: Everyone Who Sits Behind You At Church Thinks You Do Not Tithe Because You Give Online

The results of a study released Monday revealed that even though you give faithfully to your local body of Christ via their online giving platform, everyone who sits next to you or behind you carefully watches you pass the plate every Sunday without putting anything into it, and assumes you do not tithe a single penny.

The exhaustive study, which polled every church member who sits within eyeshot of you, also confirmed that they each carefully watch you during the offering each Lord’s day, focused completely on you with a penetrating collective gaze, shaking their heads in dismay and exchanging knowing glances of disapproval immediately after you hurriedly transfer the plate to the family sitting next to you.

“I’ve never seen them drop so much as a red penny into the offering plate—such a shame,” one of your sisters in Christ, who sits a few rows behind you to the left, noted during her phone interview. “They seem like a faithful Christian in so many other ways. There’s really no excuse for their lack of giving.”

“I hope one of the pastors speaks to them about their lack of generosity,” another of your fellow church members revealed, adding that you really need to get your priorities in order.

At publishing time, a sizable group of lay-people from your congregation were organizing a meeting to talk about you and your lack of tithing.