Are you feeling down in the dumps? A little depressed, perhaps? Just not feeling like you’re operating at 100%? The most likely conclusion, according to scientists and theologians, is that you’re being attacked by a giant, demonic squid beast from the fiery depths of the earth.
Here are the top five signs that you’re under such an attack.
1.) There is a giant squid on top of your head. If you look up and there’s an evil, cackling squid attached to your noggin, there’s a good chance you’re being attacked by a giant, demonic squid. You may want to confirm this fact with a pastor or prophet near you, but there’s a 95% chance that demon-squid is already working his sinister ends in your brain.
2.) You find yourself craving a shrimp cocktail. Hungry for a tasty shrimp cocktail and it’s only eight in the morning? It’s definitely a demonic squid influencing you with its tentacle-y wiles.
3.) You feel the call of the open sea. If the demon-squid is influencing your mind, you’ll find yourself waking up in cold sweats from dreams about living the nautical life. You may have a strange urge to read Moby Dick, or wake up down by the docks with no idea how you got there. The call of the open sea is a sure sign the hellish squid-beast has you right where he wants you.
4.) You have an irrational hatred for sperm whales. The very mention of the sperm whale sets you off into a blinding rage—uh-oh! You’re definitely the victim of a demonic squid.
5.) You lash out at your enemies with a blast of blueish ink, right in the face. Usually, you can deal with negativity by just declaring victory over it. But when the squid from hell has its tendons lodged into your neurons, you may find yourself attacking your enemies by projecting massive amounts of blueish-black ink all over their stupid faces. If this is you, it’s time for an exorcism, because the cephalopod of sin is all up in your business!
There you have it—the top five signs a giant hellbeast shaped like a squid has its tentacles wrapped around you. Pray some words of victory over that bad boy and send it back where it came from!