SAN ANTONIO, TX—A team of dispensational premillennialist prophecy experts has declared the official start of a previously unknown “pumpkin spice” dispensation, sources confirmed Wednesday.
“The signs are clear that God’s unfolding of His redemptive plan has taken yet another detour,” prophecy teacher Hal Lindsey told reporters at a press conference announcing the new dispensation, accompanied by a new book to help Christians navigate the new prophetic era. “The days of the prophet Joel are upon us, complete with the signs of the times: UGG Boots, North Face jackets, and pumpkin spice lattes, candies, and baked goods.”
An excitable, animated Lindsey also reported that a strange shift in the heavenly signs has formed a giant pumpkin-shaped constellation in the sky, further confirming the dawn of a new dispensation.
“Previously, we believed there to be some twenty-seven different dispensations, but we’re now pretty sure that it’s going to be locked at twenty-eight,” he said.
According to the prophecy report released by the team of pastors and scholars, the majority of commentaries on Revelation will need to be rewritten as experts reinterpret the apocalyptic signs as a wide range of pumpkin spice themed products.
“While we once believed the locusts in Revelation 9 represented different kinds of helicopters or drones, we’re now fairly certain that the insects are suburbanites descending upon Starbucks locations to consume pumpkin spice,” Lindsey continued.
At publishing time, prophecy experts had once again convened to reconsider their prophetic books, as rumors of apocalyptic signs in the form of peppermint mochas had taken premillennial scholars by storm.