Pastor Somehow Able To Make Himself Hero Of Sermon On Election

LEXINGTON, KY—By dramatically re-telling a story about his involvement in helping a woman after she was in a car accident, Pastor Chuck Vickery of New Hope Christian Church was amazingly able to make himself the hero of a sermon on election he delivered Sunday morning, sources confirmed.

The story, which sources say was significantly embellished, centered around a day ten years ago when Vickery and several other citizens worked together to pull a woman from her car which she had wrecked after taking a sharp turn too quickly. Several minutes later, her car was hit by a truck driving around the blind curve.

“This lady couldn’t get herself out. She was trapped; she was doomed,” an impassioned Vickery reportedly crowed to his congregation. “But I would not allow it! I could not. Ignoring the danger to myself, I jumped on her overturned car, smashed her window, and yanked her out of there not one second before her car was obliterated by a semi truck.”

“It was by my grace, borne of my love, that she was saved. I loved her like God loves us. That is election!” he said.

Churchgoers were impressed by Vickery’s theological illustration and his general ability to always make himself look good in his messages.

“Some Sundays, I’ll admit, I have no idea how he’s going to end up making himself look great, cool, popular, important, or heroic. Especially with this one—I was thinking, ‘How is Pastor Chuck going to make himself the man in a message on election?’ I mean, it’s election,” said church member Becky Lenhardt, adding that despite her doubts, somehow he was able to pull it off.

“I can’t wait until next Sunday to see how he’ll become the hero of a sermon on creation,” she added.