Onlookers Watch In Horror As Pastor Tragically Botches Handshake

ASPEN, CO—”You hear about stuff like this, but you never think it will happen to you. No one saw it coming,” a visibly shaken church member told reporters after the service at Savior Lutheran Church Sunday morning.

The church member, like dozens of other Savior attendees, expected a warm time of fellowship and an encouraging worship service. What they got instead was a horrifying sight, as Reverend Cecil “absolutely mangled” his handshake with an unsuspecting visitor.

According to witnesses, Reverend Cecil extended his hand for a classic handshake, but suddenly second-guessed himself and decided to attempt a much more advanced maneuver known as the “fist-bump.” What ensued was several cringe-inducing seconds, that shocked onlookers said felt like hours.

“It was gruesome,” another distressed visitor said as a team of grief counselors arrived on the scene to assist. “There were fingers being grabbed, there was a pathetic attempt to go in for a sidehug, and then the Reverend started trying to make a joke about the whole ordeal—it was absolutely awful.”

According to leaders at Savior Lutheran, the church will be closed for two full weeks as victims try to cope with the trauma they suffered.